To the Divine, You Are Perfect
To the Divine, You Are Perfect
There are no if’s and but’s about it: You are perfect in the Mind of the Divine.
And I say this with ultimate conviction even though my favourite nostalgia-induced Christmas movie hasn’t aged well.
(Now in my 30s, I cringe at way too many parts of Love Actually).
(I still kind love it, though.)
I’m not always right – shocker – and yet, this is one hill that I will happily die defending: To the Divine, You Are Perfect.
I’m not sure about you, but life can often be tough as the mom of a Spicy One (a term coined by Mary Van Geffen, one of my personal human heroes – and by human I mean authentic and raw and amazing). And even if you’re not the parent of a Spicy One, you might have your own version of that spicy aspect (or aspects!) in your life that keep challenging you with every ounce of will you possess – be it a relationship, a job, finances, the state of the world, etc…
And our children (or partners or parents or in-laws) aren’t the problem, because again – they are perfect. And if I’m perfect too (cringe), then why am I subject to the self-shame and self-blame that I continually inflict upon myself?
Because, lo and behold, moms, girls, women, have historically been held to a different (and by different, read high and unachievable) standard than men. And if a man is reading this and calling bullshit, kindly let’s swap bodies for a month and have a chat later :D
Still don’t believe me, I’ll bring out the big guns (check out Gabor Mate’s Myth of Normal for some mind-blowing research, especially Chapter 23). Sure, it’s not all rainbows and sunshine for men either, with all the messages of toxic masculinity being tossed about. This is obviously both a truth and a generalization. Life happens in between breaths — and there is a vast grey area there that I will happily debate.
All that being said, women have been dealt a higher standard to aim for and it makes living life… spicy. Because when things are going well, it’s wonderful (duh). When things go wrong – and I don’t know about you, this is just my personal experience – I default back to blaming problem #1: myself. And I forget that, to the divine, I am perfect (still cringe, but less). Because I am. And you are too. Everyone is.
It’s no secret that I have been working hard at my mental health (I talk about my postpartum journey here), and maybe that’s also part of the problem. We’re just working so damn hard at everything these days. There isn’t much room for trial and error and being human in the world of AI. We forget about grace. We forget to sprinkle in some joy and happiness just for the heck of it. Many days, we forget that even though it feels like the world is going absolutely bananas, it's ok – and even a great idea – to craft moments of peace, beauty, and joy.
I can recognize how I’ve been hyper fixated on, well… fixing myself and digging into the shadow, and healing and blah blah blah.
(Side note: there is nothing to fix because — you guessed it — you are already perfect).
So of course the dark negative thoughts come swirling around when I am faced with a dysregulated child who refuses to act as anyone other than themselves. What a privilege. And I’m not being sarcastic – because it all, ultimately (and unfortunately), points right back at me.
All our relationships are mirrors, reflecting back at us the things that are yet to be healed. A child crying or whining triggers you? Ask yourself why – the answer is probably in how you were parented when you did those things yourself. A boss who gives you ‘constructive criticism’ triggers you? Again – this is mirroring back where you might have been over-criticized growing up (just a guess — I’m not a medical practitioner).
And all of this is helpful, because it encourages me to approach parenthood with devotion, responsibility, and awareness. And it also doesn’t help because – news flash – we live in a chronically dysregulated society that does not prioritize the mental health of its parents (especially mothers). So, as parents, and as human beings, we have to bear both the responsibility of this hard truth and the burden of fixing it. And the loop keeps going round and round…
So, this past week, I had a choice: go back down my familiar dark hole of negative swirling thoughts, compounding on shame and blame and inadequacy OR choose a different path.
Enter my new favourite thing to obsess over: rewiring my thinking.
Our minds are powerful, and our minds are easily influenced bullies. Read that again.
So, my mind has created an automatic pathway: every time I fail at being a good mother (what does that even mean?!?!), I revert to negative spiralling thoughts. That sucks. Boohoo. I took a few moments to feel my feelings (and then plus or minus half the day to feel sorry for myself) and then I remembered that I could try to create a new pattern in my brain: instead of spiralling thoughts, I chose to recite this over and over in my head:
“I am a perfect idea in Divine Mind.”
I borrow these words from Florence Scovell Shinn, a revolutionary baddie from the 1920s. I loooove her.
Do I 100% believe these words? Not yet. Are they true? YES, because God/Source/Universe wouldn’t put you on this planet otherwise.
Am I human and do I make shitty decisions sometimes? YES, and I can repair and aim to do better next time. It won’t help anyone, including my family, if I sink down into the spiral of doom.
I write these words as a humble student of this path and I hope it inspires you to give yourself grace this holiday season and every day thereafter, to be an imperfect human, and to aim not for outer perfection – instead, aim to do better next time if today wasn't exactly what you envisioned. Because, if you could have done better, you would have (words from the incredible Dr. Stuart Ablon). And because, at your core, you are already perfect, just as you are.
So anyway, I'll be here, brainwashing myself with positive affirmations.
Here’s to imperfect family moments this holiday season, where you can aim to do better next time if today was an absolute clusterfuck.
Because you are perfect, courageous soul.
And the world is better with you in it.
Love ya’.
—Alecs
